Ah, it feels good to be back to normal!  I had a scare with the urologist, who pronounced my right kidney somewhat larger than the left when I did my follow up after the ultrasound.  He had me wait about 6 weeks and have another CT scan, which ultimately showed it's still ever so slightly bigger than the left.  We are just keeping up the wait and see approach and he's confident it's fine so I'm not worrying about it.  All this messin' around has put me so far behind in everything I do as a mom.  I will make it my goal to have things in this house as back to normal as I can make them by Christmas. 

The kitchen is, of course, still a work in progress.  I do have a stove hooked up so I can at least cook <almost> normally again, and I will be able to do a Thanksgiving dinner.  I have been taking pictures of the progress and will probably put some up here, in my photo blog.  Looking back at them, what strikes me immediately is that there are almost always dirty dishes in the sink!  I hate doing dishes and they seem to pile up quicker than I can get to them.  I did away with the portable dishwasher long ago when I didn't think it was doing a very good job.  I THOUGHT I could keep up with hand-washing the dishes.  I found out there are more important things on my mind a lot of the time and I don't get to dishes until a day or two goes by, usually.  I really am looking forward to having a dishwasher again, just to get out of washing dishes all the time.  It'd be nice if I could get a little help around here sometimes.  I work a full-time job too ya know.

The rest of it is just same shit, different day.  I continue to struggle with day to day life and the living of it.  I don't care about the house most of the time, but then a day comes along when I just can't stand the messes any more and I blow up on everyone.  The girls practically have to be bullied into cleaning up after themselves, and their father isn't much better.  Some days it's like I am the only one who sees the total wreck this place is.  I'm also the only one who knows and keeps track of where everyone needs to be at any given time.  I have the girls with me almost any time I leave the house (except for work, of course!) so I have no idea when I'll get to do some shopping for the holidays.  My marriage is still a struggle too.  I just can't seem to care any more.  It's been this way for a long time, but he just has never been able to see it and it takes a 2x4 to the face for him to notice anything is up.  It finally came down to a point where I just stopped feeling and stopped trying to fix it on my own.  I don't care anymore.  I would just as soon not bother with a man, especially one who takes my silence to mean everything is okey dokey.  As long as I'm not bitchin' everything is good, right?  Well of course not, but it seems that's how he's always looked at it and all that did was push me away until I really don't feel anymore.  So now it's more like we're friends, although he claims it's more than that.  I asked him to do one thing for me; if he truly wanted me to try to make it work, do this one thing for me.  It was a sacrifice, and one he's always claimed he could do if he wanted.  So I guess he didn't want to because he hasn't and we haven't talked about it again since last week.  We don't talk often about us unless he's had enough beer to get obnoxious.  Then he will start the whole argument over and keep rehashing the whole thing for hours (usually right about the time I finally feel like I can sleep) - although he always hits a point where he goes to bed and falls asleep, while I am now so wound up I'm up all night.  So now of course I'm cranky when I have to get up for work after almost no sleep, and by the time I get home from work it's not a good time to talk. 

Have I come right out and said what the problem is?  As Sarah P would say, you betcha.  Have I said you need to do this if you want me to try that?  Yup.  I don't see us fixing this, period.  We've been doing this for far too long now and nothing ever changes.  For years now, I've let the problems build until I blow and make a big fuss at him.  Then he does what he thinks I want him to do for a week, maybe two weeks.  And I decide it's not worth the energy to be mad so I drop it, and it starts the cycle over again.  Not anymore.  I will not make a fuss again, period.  If he takes that to mean life is all sunshine and happiness again, there's not much I can do about it.  I have to take care of myself and the stomach ulcer I think I've developed.

And I think I've brought my mood down sufficiently for today, so I need to stop now before I get worse and really start to rant!

toodles